ELECTRONIC AIDS

THE MAGOO - Moulded in tough scratch-resistant plastic this hi-tech location finder has several unique features. Not only does it provide a digital read out in VERY LARGE DIGITS which tell you where you are, but the gadget also has a built-in tape recorder which, through a neat and almost invisible ear-piece (in tough scratch-resistant plastic) will remind you of where you have come from, where you are going, why you are going there, who you are and other bits of vital information which can so easily slip the mind. (see also the head-up display spectacles, below)

THE SUPER REVENGE - This satellite location finder (GPS) can be pre-programmed to provide false information. Enter the intended location, and the alternative false destination and the location finder will lead the user along the false route while providing read-out appropriate to the intended route. The pre-programming can be pre-programmed to self-delete before police enquiries begin.

THE DELUXE "VALLET" LOCATION FINDER - The deluxe model has no digital read out. Instead it transmits a dummy emergency homing signal (termed an APRIL-1ST-CALL rather than a MAYDAY call). A mountain rescue helicopter will then home in on the signal and those excellent mountain rescue people in the chopper will land beside you, tell you exactly where you are (and where you can go) and provide you with tea or coffee before flying off and leaving you once more to enjoy the mountain solitude. It's all part of the service.

QUOTATION DEVICE - The device and its press-switch are wired into the handle of a standard ski-stick. Repeated pressing of the button on the end of the stick will trigger the device to utter encouraging quotations like "once more into the breach dear friends" or finger wagging admonitions like "wee sleekit courin timrous beastie". The sticks are also sold in pairs for stereo-phonic reception. The idea for this device was suggested by a friend as we hesitated before trying to cross a particularly soggy piece of ground. It was only afterwards I discovered that what he had actually said was "what we need is a floatation device" See also the section on EAR TRUMPETS.

The EAR-PIERCE personal stereo - The Oldies fight back! Tartan Hen has developed a personal stereo (not illustrated) which is outwardly indistinguishable from an ordinary walkman. This one, however, does not play any music. Instead it emits a powerful buzzing noise like an angry bee but which is at a frequency calculated to be completely inaudible to the aged ear. It will, therefore, annoy only young persons and dogs.

The CRUXMATE mobile phone - In collaboration with a well known cellular telephone network we offer the Cruxmate. In addition to normal telephone services, this machine, attractively coloured in tough scratch-resistant plastic, has a special button which (at a touch) puts you in instant communication with the Tartan Hen Call Centre where our specially trained and experienced staff will talk you through a hold-by-hold solution to your climbing problem whereever you are.. (24 hour service). NOTE: This idea came to us after hearing a story (claimed to be true) about the author of a rockclimbing guidebook who was wakened by a phone call from a querulous reader, around 2am. The caller complained that a certain section in the book was unclear and he wanted exact instructions on where crucial handholds were located. Halfway through a somewhat irate conversation the author realised that the caller was at that moment hanging on the cliff at the precise point under discussion. History does not relate, however, if he also told him where to put his mobile phone.

The HEAD-UP DISPLAY SPECTACLES - a useful gadget in many situations. These spectacles have been developed using the latest computer hardware and software as well as micro-laser projection techniques. When you wear these spectacles every word you say - for example "bedroom slippers" is recognised by the micro-chip built into the spectacles legs and projected by micro-laser beam on to the inside of the lenses directly before your eyes. When you reach the bedroom you will therefore have an ever ready reminder of why you went there. A single press on a button deletes the display. The gadget is particulary recommended for use in public urinals. On entering the urinal the wearer can utter the phrase "zip yourself up" and save a great deal of embarrassment later. Those in an advanced state of decay should, at an earlier time, consider uttering the phrase "zip yourself down".

The MARS-LANDER position finder - This device was developed by NASA and is designed to delay possible rescue. It can be used to good effect in conjunction with the HIDE-AWAY bivouac tent. The Mars-Lander will transmit a homing signal with coordinates marked in metres and millimetres but the figures are actually in feet and inches. Field tests show that the device can misdirect a rescue party from Braeriach to a point on Ben MacDui.